"John's Story"
This account by John, one of Jehovah's Witnesses in the USA, was submitted in 2003. It expresses his personal reflections. Over the years a number have commented that they could identify with some of the expressions John makes.
JEHOVAH ISN'T AN ARBITRARY GOD
I was a teenage boy when I first studied the Bible
with Jehovah's Witnesses, and at the time, I felt sure that the gay part of my
life was just a phase which would eventually end. I was wrong!
I come from an ultra-conservative middle class
family in a part of the US where even the suggestion of anything gay was a big no-no.
It wasn't a very big city, and it was the type of place where people were very
rich, very religious, and very Republican. Culturally, the Witnessess were somewhat like the worldly socialites, except that they were completely non-political. Everyone got married and started a family at a young age, and being 'gay' just didn't fit anywhere into the mix. I felt like an outcast, and
I was a little depressed about that but I didn't have the courage to discuss it
with anyone. Actually, there was no one to discuss it with because everyone I
knew back then would have told me that homosexuality is a form of mental
illness and a characteristic of the Devil. There probably were other gays
around, but if there were any, they were quite invisible. A major objective of
every young man from my side of town was to get an education from a prestigious
private college and then end up on the 'engagement announcements' section of
the local papers after getting himself hooked up with some other rich guy's
daughter. That was alright for them, but I knew the 'marriage and kids' thing
wasn't gonna happen for me so I made a deliberate effort to leave home as soon
as I could because I knew it was only a matter of time before the pressure
would be on to get married.
'Escape' from home was more out of necessity than
fear. I didn't know any other gay people except guys I met in chat rooms on the
Internet, and I had been struggling to hide my feelings for so long that I
thought I would go crazy if I didn't get away. I was accepted into a college in
another state, and I used that as my reason for leaving home. I moved to a big
city in the Southeast and that's where I was first exposed to the real gay
life. I met a lot of other gays and I even went to a few gay night-clubs, which
was very exciting for a while. But, something about all that exposure didn't
feel right. After all, I was still a Christian, and it felt weird trying to
validate myself in an environment of drunkenness, tobacco smoke, and a sexual
"meat market", and it was pretty much the same scene in every bar and
night-club I went to. In most cases, the music was so loud that you couldn't
have a conversation with anyone, and even trying to meet people to talk to in
these places didn't work out too well because most guys were only looking for
quick sex. Still, I can't say that I was disappointed about any of that because
I wouldn't have been satisfied even if I had met and gotten into a great
relationship with the most gorgeous guy--- conflicting spiritual issues would
still have remained.
I got to a crisis point where I began to think
that maybe our Christian publications had been right all along about the gay
life, that it really is nothing more than a culture of sex and vanity. I never
got involved in any sexual activity, although the urge to do so was incredibly
strong. I was still an active Witness and it was bad enough that I was secretly
going to gay bars at night, but I used to reason that things were fine as long
as nothing sexual happened. My reasoning was obviously flawed because it was
foolish to think that I could continue to hang out in places where so many
good-looking guys were throwing sexual opportunities in my face all evening and
that I would not eventually give at some point. But, I also knew that if I had
had sexual encounters I would have to reveal that information to the elders,
and I wasn't sure I could handle that at all.
I also wondered what was the point of going to a
gay bar, if doing so serves only to intensify the frustration of admiring the
beauty of the forbidden fruit. Most important, every time I went to a gay bar,
I imagined Jehovah looking down at me, rolling His eyes, tapping His fingers, and
watching to see exactly what I would do if I hooked up with somebody. I was
only kidding myself the whole time because although it’s true that I was lonely
and desperate for another gay just person to talk to, it is also true that I
was horny and looking for some sort of quasi-sexual make-out experience that
wasn't quite sex and that I wouldn't have to tell the elders about. But, I felt
like a big hypocrite to deliberately keep doing the same thing over and over
and then praying about it each time, so I gave up the bars and focused on
spiritual growth instead.
I thought I could overcome my attraction to other
men by praying about it and by doing everything but think about it. That didn't work either, and I began to feel
that maybe I was doomed, especially after hearing some scorching
anti-homosexual talks at the Kingdom Hall. These talks were intended to be
spiritually uplifting, but I would always feel scorned and unworthy after
hearing to them. I know I'm not the vile, horrible person some speakers referred to in these anti-homosexual talks, and sometimes its hurtful to hear other
people go on about how bad and disgusting all gay people are. I no longer take
that stuff personally, because I've realized that speakers who use
extreme characterisations of gays in their public talks don't even begin to
understand what it’s like to feel the way we do. The Bible doesn't say - and nor do our publications - that the
practice of homosexuality is worse than any other forbidden activity, but I've
noticed that some persons make a very deliberate effort to single out gays as the
ultimate sinners. Every elder also has weaknesses, and they expect to be
forgiven for their sins when they pray about it, so why should I and my prayers
be any less acceptable to God? (Romans 3:23)
I read and re-read scriptures like the one at
Romans chapter 1, and I used to wonder whether I really had a chance of making
it into the new system or if I should just give up now and live the worldly
life. I decided I would not renounce my faith, because even though my attraction
to other men is still very powerful it is not more powerful than my loyalty to
God.
In search of answers, I began to look beyond all
the condemnatory scriptures against homosexual behavior and more into the type
of person that Jehovah is. I used to believe that God hates me because of the
way I am, but I know now that He doesn't. In fact, He describes Himself as
loving, compassionate, forgiving, and empathetic towards every sinner who's
trying to do His will.
I've read a lot of books and articles about
'reparative therapy' and gay-to-straight treatments, and I think they're all
bunk. These arguments come mostly from straight people and religious fanatics
who don't have a clue. Every gay person KNOWS that we don't choose to be the
way we are; we just are.
One thing I did learn from my study of Jehovah is that
He doesn't arbitrarily judge us based on our weaknesses. If He did that then
none of us would be here. God says that He is teaching us to benefit ourselves,
and none of us can deny that the Bible instruction we receive is
beneficial. Especially among sexually active gay men, where serious STDs are
very common, if we had been out there sleeping with every attractive person we
met some of us would probably be dead or wasting away in a hospice by now. But
it's more than just the fear of bad consequences that keeps me loyal to the
faith. I actually believe the things that God's word says about the world and
where it's headed, and I'm trying very hard to control my sexual urges out of
respect for Jehovah. I feel certain that many of you who read this are in
exactly that same place.
Although I've been tempted many times to live a
double life, my conscience won't let me do it. It's a bit easier for me to cope
now than it was a few years ago because when you're young and decent looking
there are sooo many opportunities to make you look the other way. I'm still young
and I get a lot of attention from both guys and girls. Of course, the ones in
the congregations and at the conventions look, but although they don't say
anything most of the time we can detect the vibe.
Sometimes the loneliness gets to me real bad, but
I fake my way until it passes. I suppose spiritual growth has something to do
with that. But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't pray about this
struggle, and the fact that I'm a deeply spiritual person doesn't erase my
attraction to my own gender. This isn't a new thing for people who try to live
the Christian life because Paul himself had a serious struggle with his own
weaknesses even though he was an apostle who had a very high-level leadership
role in the early Christian congregation (Romans 7:16-19). There are many in
the congregation who are going through similar struggles but most will never,
ever admit anything publicly because they don't want to be stigmatized and they
don't want to be forced into a situation where they feel they have no choice
but to leave. I won't deny what I feel, but as long as I'm not involved in any
sexual activity I also don't see the need to broadcast my private feelings to
the elders and to the entire congregation.
I accept God as the creator and higher power who
knows more than I do, and I also accept that if God loves me (and I know he
does) that he will resolve this gay issue at some point in the future. But, the
waiting part is hard. We're not all crazy, and we're not all sick. If we didn't
think our spirituality is worth this wait, then we wouldn't be JWs in the first
place.
The ‘heteros’ in the congregation may appear to
have it easier than we do but every last one of them is also struggling with
something they'd rather not discuss in public. I know quite a few of them who
continue to struggle with serious issues like really difficult marriages, alcoholism,
tobacco addiction, depression, etc. I was once befriended by the younger wife
of an elder who confided to me that she is a lesbian. She was on medication
for depression, frustrated, and very unhappy. I no longer attend that
congregation but I've kept her secret with me all this time. From my
conversations with her, I could tell that she has a brilliant mind...a
beautiful person, inside and out. But, she followed that three-step process so
many of us do: get married...have kids...be miserable. I fail to see the logic
of going through all these things just to impress other people. Aren't we
better off staying single than to get into these fake "families"?
Then again, I guess loneliness is a lot more difficult for some of us to handle
than it is for others.
Sometimes good friendships compensate for the
loneliness, but only sometimes. At the present time, there's a very
good-looking young brother at my kingdom hall who's very deep in the closet.
I'm very deep in there myself, and we found each other out completely by
accident. The situation is that we're both attracted to one another. We talked
about that for a long time, and eventually decided that we would keep our
friendship at the surface level and that we would not give ourselves the
opportunity to be alone together in any private place. I could go on about how
frustrating this experience has been, but then I'd only be telling all of you
what you already know.
I'm not writing this to be dramatic. I just want
others like me to know that you are not alone. The struggle isn't going to get
any easier, but don't let that be a reason to give up your faith. Even the most
handsome face and the best sex are not worth losing out on what Jehovah has to
offer.
Take care,
John.
Contributed in 2003
A resource for gay Jehovah's Witnesses February 2023
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